如何堅持拒絕又不受傷

The people to whom we say no rarely like hearing it, and it’s no wonder. Our saying no signals rejection-----of their ideas, of their wishes, of their priorities. Consequently, most people will try to get us to change the no to a yes. That means we have to work to defuse emotion on both sides: our discomfort at staying with an unpopular no and our counterpart’s irritation, disappointment, or anger at hearing it.We could, of course, cut the Gordian knot by giving in. But in the end, the consequences of not staying with no can cause much more damage-----to your self-confidence, to your relationship with the other person, and to your credibility and effectiveness as a professional.

If we want to reduce the tension around staying with no, we will do better to think not about whether to stay with no, but how.

It helps to recognize why your counterparts want to yes the no and readjust your own emotional response to their efforts:

Business culture: It isn’t inherently insulting to you that the other person wants you to back off your no-----it’s part of our business climate to try to yes the no.

Personal experience and expectations: Your counterpart’s personal experience and expectations rather than the interpersonal relations between you may be the strongest determinant of how he responds to your no. He may be argumentative, wheedling, stunned, or angry because that’s how he always handles hearing no.

Context: There may be something about your staying with no-----may be something interpersonal, maybe not-----that makes your no particularly difficult to accept. It’s not unusual, for example, for someone who might be able to hear a no privately to be embarrassed to consent to it publicly. She may want you to back down so she can save face.

Staying with no puts us in two different predicaments. On the one hand, we don’t like to be negative. On the other, we don’t like to be pushed. If you especially don’t like to be negative, you probably tend to soften your no. It feels natural to you to try to stay with no gently. But this may result in your no not getting heard.

The solution in both cases is to change how you say no-----that’s the piece you can control. You need to acquire the skill of saying and staying with no neutrally-----to say no simply, clearly, and directly, using arguments that are not easily weakened by your counterpart.

Do’s and don’ts

Keep your eye on the issue, not the personal: You see your job as staying with no; I see my job as yessing that no. No one is doing anything wrong-----we just don’t want the same outcome here. It helps to think of the push-pull between us as an honest disagreement about how the tension should be resolved. It does not help to think of my resistance to your no as disrespect for you.

Know your triggers: Your counterpart may be trying out different tactics to get you to yes your no. The tactic the counterpart uses matters only if you’re vulnerable to it. Which arguments are you most susceptible to? Which tactics? Does an ominous suggestion that the union will hear about this roll off or rattle you? Do tears move you to offer a tissue or to fold?

Don’t give them to much to read: People who are uncomfortable staying with no often overdo the apologetic nature of their no-----they say no, express their regret for it, and ask to be forgiven for staying with no, all at the same time.

Don’t weaken your no: Curiously, many people do this backward. They start saying no using lightweight reasons, holding back the real, heavyweight reason. And the counterpart swats away the little reasons because they aren’t very persuasive. To limit the frustration on both sides, give reasons with good weight up front.

Avoid a battlefront attitude: Not everyone tries to soften her no. Some of us say no combatively, and treat staying with no as escalating warfare. This could be you if you find a battle of wills stimulating. When staying with no feels like a triumph of the will, good outcomes-----and good judgment-----are in jeopardy.

Don’t give false hope: Staying with no tentatively, or with a show of reluctance, makes it easy for your counterpart to hope you will change your no-----and hard for him to accept the no.

Practice staying with no; don’t avoid it: You want to practice for four reasons: (1) so you’ll stay with your message, (2) so you won’t edit it on your feet, (3) so you’ll know what it’s going to feel like to say it, and (4) so you can see whether you really want to stay with this no-----or whether you should yes it.

如何堅持拒絕　又不受傷

當我們開口說「不」時，很少有對方會喜歡的，這並不奇怪，因為這代表對方的想法、期望或決定被我們給拒絕了。所以，大部分的人會想改變我們，要把我們的「不」改成「是」。這就表示我們必須想辦法平息兩種的情緒：一邊是因為堅持說出不中聽的「不」，造成自己不舒服的感覺；另一邊則是對方聽到我們拒絕後的惱火、失望或生氣的情緒。

我們當然可以快刀斬亂麻地屈服退讓，但是未能堅持說不的結果，殺傷力反而更大，可能會讓你失去自信、危急你和他人的關係、甚至損及你專業上的權威和效率。

如果想降低堅持說不所造成的緊張情緒，要思考「如何」堅持下去，而非 「是否」堅持下去，會更有幫助。

如果能夠了解別人會想把我們的「不」改成「是」可能是因為下列幾項原因，有助於我們調整自己的情緒：

商場文化：

當他人要你撤回你的拒絕時，基本上可能並不是針對你個人，而是我們的商場文化使然，總是試圖把拒絕改成接受。

個人的經驗和期待：

影響對方如何回應你的拒絕最重要的因素，在於他的個人經驗和期待，而非他和你的私人關係。對方可能會爭辯、會哄騙、會驚訝，或者會生氣，因為這些都是他聽到拒絕時的慣有反應。

當時的情境：

可能有某些事情，讓我們的堅持拒絕令對方特別難以接受，例如可能是某種人際因素。舉例來說，某些人可能私底下可以接受拒絕，但是要他在大庭廣眾下接受拒絕，就覺得難堪了，所以他當然希望你打消拒絕的念頭，好讓他面子掛得住。